My grandma and grandpa have been fighting more and more as time goes on.
I believe that what my grandma is trying to do is to help the best way she can. I'm around her constantly, and I feel correct in saying that she is a smart woman. Despite everything she's been through, she's sharp and can make decisions. She has opinions, and she is not afraid to express them.
The problem is that she can sometimes have a difficult time expressing those ideas that she wants to express. Among the many troubles that her stroke has left her with, difficulty converting her thoughts into speech is one of them. Sometimes sentences just do not want to come out, or she can't think of the right words to use. (Then again, everyone is like that sometimes, aren't they? I know I am.)
Grandfather has his own troubles to deal with. Sometimes the things he says are confusing, his words come out as mumbling, or he simply does not / cannot say them in a high enough volume for others to hear.
He may also have a difficult time seeing things that are in front of him, or other times he says that certain things are here or there, when they are not. (Example: he may say that someone is sitting on the couch, when no one is, in fact, there..)
Grandmother seems to think that every action grandfather takes, or needs to take, should be "policed". Here is a specific example:
After I have prepared dinner and bring their food to them, it is likely that they have already been arguing with one another. To be honest, the arguments are generally one-sided; My grandmother will say things to my grandfather such as "Put the napkin in your lap so you won't spill food on yourself." If my grandpa appears as if he isn't doing that quickly enough, she says "Papa, wake up and put the napkin in your lap."
If he puts the napkin on the table, instead of in his lap, she will snap harshly, saying "No! Not there, put the napkin in your lap!"
From there, she will continue to instruct him very specifically on what he is and is not supposed to do. While she may not be doing this on purpose, the way she words the instructions are often harsh, demanding, or degrading. It also appears that, for the most part, the way she instructs him to do things confuses him further.
To continue with the example I was using, let's say that the napkin looks like it is about to fall on the floor. How grandma reacts to this situation makes the mistake seem like a much larger issue than it really is. "Papa, look out! Watch out or your napkin's gonna fall out of your lap!"
At this point, it is likely that the napkin is going to fall, anyway.
The tones she uses are often quite harsh, as I've said.
From what I understand, it appears that her interactions with him consist of, "having to deal with him". There's no "spending time with him", just "dealing with."
After they have had lunch, or dinner, etc, she insists that he goes to lay down in his bedroom. It feels as if she is saying, "Go away, leave me alone" without using those words specifically.
Grandfather takes a lot of naps now. If he isn't napping, it seems like he is either being scolded, or told what to do.
I do not want this information to portray my grandmother in a bad light, because she is not a bad person by any means. I love both my grandma and grandpa dearly.
I just do not know what to do. The "napkin example" is, after all, just one example.
Asking my step-aunt for advice appeared to be the wrong idea, due to the assorted assumptions that she seems to have made about Ike, and myself. Among these assumptions: Ike and I have put my grandparents into debt, or we are neglected them.
My grandparents do not have any debt, and certainly are not being neglected. I've been dedicating myself to both of them for a long time now.
But I know that I can't keep doing these things by myself. I know that I cannot keep living this way, and they shouldn't have to continue living the way they are, either. They are often unhappy and, despite everything I have tried so far, they just seem less and less happy as time goes on. Something needs to happen, or start happening. I just do not know what. My goal is for them to both be as happy as they could possibly be.
I have goals, too. I know that Ike and I cannot stay with them forever, but we cannot (and do not want) just leave them. They are in need, they require assistance, and before steps can be taken to -really- get our own lives moving again, I would want to make absolutely sure, more than anything, that they are both happy, feel loved, and taken care of. That means that they are going to need more people around than just me.
Beyond that is where I am left in the dark, feeling blind about what to do next. Because of what happened with my step-aunt, it leaves me feeling very uncertain about where I should turn now. My grandparents live in a house on the same property that my step-aunt lives on, so I wouldn't want to do anything without running it by her first, nor would I want to set any plans into motion that she may disapprove of.
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